The six magic words to unlock what you really want

Try this next time you face decision fatigue.

"If you want to, you can."

We’re making decisions at nearly every moment of any given day, and sometimes we can get stuck in a spiral of not making a choice or overthinking something we’ve really already made a decision about. I tell myself this simple sentence when I'm pondering decisions big or small and catch myself in an overthinking loop. It can be something as simple as debating whether or not I want to buy a latte and salted butter croissant from the local café around the corner of my office or as complex as a huge life decision.

I’m an Upholder, so I have to watch for my tendency to set rules and routines for myself and (occasionally) get stuck in them. “If you want to, you can” reminds me in six simple words that I created the structure around me, and I can break out of my routine if it’s really what I want (and need) that day.

To go beyond iced lattes, these six words also remind me that I’m a uniquely resilient person who is capable of change if that is truly what’s needed. I hadn’t yet unlocked this sentence in my early 20s, but the spirit of “If you want to, you can” helped me leave bad jobs and tough situations to find my way in new cities whenever I needed to.

As I’ve talked about in a previous newsletter, sometimes we can get stuck in our own narratives of what we think our lives have to be. “If you want to, you can” stops me in my tracks when I’m retracing a narrative over and over and makes me realize that I can change it.

And on the flip side of that, “If you want to, you can” also helps me check in on my values and goals, reminding me that often I don’t choose something because it would undermine one of my core values or sabotage one of my goals. “If you want to [skip a day of writing for no real reason], you can.” “If you want to [stop going to church], you can.” “If you want to [blow up your life and move to a new city all over again], you can.”

This sentence yanks whatever frustration or wanderlust or laziness that’s nudging me toward self-sabotage into the light and reminds me that no, thanks, I don’t want to do any of those things because they wouldn’t be true to who I am.

I hope you find your own version of “If you want to, you can.” Please feel free to reach out with your own twist on my simple, six-word reality check – I would love to hear about it.  

Because we need a lot of silly romantic comedies in 2020:

Only watch Netflix’s Love Guaranteed if, like me, you have a high tolerance for formulaic rom-coms and you live for tropes. This one checks all the boxes: a chronically single woman with a heart of gold (played by Rachel Leigh Cook) who spends her evenings catching up on emails and staring longingly out the window while holding a glass of wine; a supporting cast of dishy BFFs; and a dreamboat leading man who just happens to be at the same coffee cart at the same time as our leading lady so they can have an awkward meet-cute. This rom-com about a man who is suing a dating service after going on 1,000 dates without finding love is in the vein of the Hallmark Christmas movies I’m a sucker for, but I knew I absolutely had to watch it when I saw that Damon Wayans Jr. (New Girl, How to Be Single) was co-starring. Certain actors have Something onscreen no matter what material they’re given, bringing a depth to just-OK movie dialogue that shouldn’t really be there, and he’s one of them. Should a scene about mansplaining pumpkin spice lattes in the year of our Lord 2020 be charming? No, absolutely not, and yet here we are.  

For anyone looking for a creepy futuristic read that is also alarmingly human and believable:

Little Eyes by Samanta Schweblin is an exploratory, ensemble approach to the novel that drifts in and out of various stories showing people around the world through the eyes of stuffed toys called kentukis. People buy a kentuki to be a “keeper” or purchase access to a kentuki to be a “dweller,” or – in one of the stories – they can try out both experiences. Why would you want to be a stranger spying on someone else’s life, and why, why would you invite those terrifying little eyes into your home? When I started this book, I couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to be on either end of that curious relationship slash transaction, but as its interwoven stories unfold, I was surprised by how much this strange and alarming premise had to say about humanity and what we will do not to be lonely, or how far we’ll go to see more of the world. (Note: If literary science fiction is your jam, check out Episode 8 of this season of my podcast Reading Like an Adult.)

For fans of ‘90s nostalgia (and anyone who simply needs fun content right now):

Lip Smackers! Lisa Frank! Sleepovers! These are the topics of Cash Register Alert, a fellow Substack newsletter that I recently discovered. De Elizabeth explores such topics as the best ‘90s birthday parties (remember meeting friends at the roller rink?) and the joy of the Staples school supplies aisle. I now need to obtain some fruit-shaped erasers and a mint-chocolate Lip Smacker necklace ASAP.